James 1:27

Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the
Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let
the world corrupt you.

Friday, July 1, 2011

I can't believe we have a nursery

We are almost all done with Isaiah's nursery. Eddie put the crib up today- hooray! Waiting for a couple more decoration type things, but other than that we are done. It's small and crowded but SO full of love. It's beautiful! I just keep going into the room and standing there, looking around, with tears in my eyes, thanking Abba. This room holds SO many memories for me. When we first moved into this house I was pregnant. It was going to be the baby's room. I had a miscarriage, and then I had another one. Then the infertility...years....I kept the changing table/dresser in there for hope. We never did much to the room. Initially we tried to keep most of the space empty (closets etc) so that we wouldn't have to move stuff around when we had a baby. But as the years passed, the closets and drawers filled up. I spent hours on the floor of that room, crying my heart out to Jesus. I constantly listened to the song "the more I seek you" by Kari Jobe, and cried and cried. These are some of my favorite words.

"The more I seek you, the more I find you. The more I find you, the more I love you. I want to sit at your feet, drink from the cup in your hand, lay back against you and breath, feel your heart beat. This love is so deep, it's more than I can take. I melt in your amrs, it's overwhelming."
I remember many nights crying my heart out to Jesus and His presence surrounding me. I remember WORSHIPPING Him through the storm. I remember being so thankful for His goodness and His timing, and the fact that He was near. I can't explain the encounters that I had with the Lord- they were so intimate. I was in pain but I was also so full of joy because of the joy that is mine in Christ- no matter what the circumstances. And I KNEW that HE KNEW, and was weeping with me. He help me close and he helped me heal. Those were very healing days for me.

Leah never had a nursery either. We lived in a one bedroom apartment and her crib was in the dining room. The only decoration she got was a big gator flag above it! (yes, I gave in to my husband:))

Seeing Isaiah's room just brings me to tears. It makes me SO thankful. It makes me look back at the years and see His hand in EVERYTHING.  EVERY step of the way, He was right beside us. He knew all along that sweet Isaiah would be in that nursery. He prepared our hearts. We grew. We prayed. We fumbled. We got angry. We had every emotion, but in the center of it all was a relying on Him for what we could not get ourselves- joy, peace, strength. He made us closer as a family and closer to Him. He had a plan and a purpose, and I know it is still unfolding. I would not trade one single tear. I would not trade one single negative pregnancy test or miscarriage. I really wouldn't. Because Isaiah is our forever son.

It has been a struggle. It has been a transition. It has been wonderful and so hard at the same time. I have gone through some post adoption depression (which I found out is a very real and common thing). I will blog more about that later. But every day I fall more in love with him.

He has been such a good, sweet, cuddly baby. He LOVES to be held and snuggle. He LOVES to stare at faces and is very inquisitive. He loves it when I put my cheek next to his and whisper quietly. He looks right at me and makes little noises. I cried today during one of these moments. Still in shock and still so so thankful.

We had Isaiah's apt with the specialist bc of the alcohol the mom drank. From all the tests they did in the hospital, he was the "worst" in every category. The dr went over all the results with me. How they determine (in each level, on a scale of 1-4, 4 being the worst) is completely subjective- not objective at all. It based on exact measurements of things....it's basically down to a science and a computer screen can look at the image of a babies face and know if the mother drank and how severe. So, as it stands in the natural, Isaiah is in the worst category for fetal alcohol syndrome disorder. I hate even saying that word...disorder. Obviously, we are praying and covering our son daily. We KNOW God is in every detail and our hearts are at total peace. When the dr first gave me all the info, I admit, my stomach dropped a bit. But, he spent about 45 minutes with me and was so kind. He is FOR these children and knows they can live a happy, healthy, and full life.  He told me a lot about things to look for in the coming months. If Isaiah has them, we deal with them. If not, great. It's all about being aware of what could be, and early intervention. But, this disorder has such a broad spectrum, and the greatest predictor of "success" is being in a loving and stable family for 3-5 years. We are already way ahead of that bc he is with us forever! And more than anything, we have the Lord! So what more do we need on our side?! There is treatment for everything, and the dr was very positive and encouraging. He said its about understanding what the alcohol did to his little body (makes my heart break), and how it affects the way his brain was formed etc etc. He said often people try to treat the secondary disorders- such as ADHD- just put them on meds- but the meds dont work. He said its about positive reinforcement, understanding your child and their needs and working around them...and a million other things. I left there hopeful and grateful. Just so thankful to the Lord to entrusting to us this little one that probably would have gone into foster care. I picture him being formed in his birth mom's womb...getting a steady flow of alcohol through the placenta. It's maddening. He is doing SO well and has no signs of what could have been signs so far. Each stage is different and only time will tell what we may need to deal with. But, we know we won't be dealing with anything the Lord hasn't allowed our way. We love him more every day and are so happy to be a family of 4.