journal entry

Below is a journal entry I wrote back in January. Reading it I am like, man, I was at such a raw place. But in so many ways I am still there. I still search for so many things other than the Lord to fill me up...even just in seemingly little and inconsequential ways. All I know is the only time I am at peace and full of true joy is when I am resting in Him. There is no other way. This was such a good reminder to me to daily, continually, lay my burdens at His feet. I absolutely love the verse in Isaiah at the end of this...whether you turn to the right or to the left, you will hear my voice behind you saying, 'this is the way, walk in it'." I need to memorize this verse. Thank you Lord for your grace.

1/31/2011

 You won’t relent until you have it all…..

Lord I know you won’t relent until you have my whole heart. You keep me empty until I fill myself  with only you…and then the rest of your gifts are just overflow. There is love that is strong as death and jealousy as demanding as the grave. That is the kind of love you have for me. Not only is that the kind of love you have for me, that is the kind of forgiveness. Come be the fire inside of me, come be in the flame upon my heart. Lord, don’t let me go. I need you.  I long for wholeness. I am scared. I am weak. I can’t do this. But, you have spoken to me that that is good, bc you are saying my precious Brenda, I can’t be strong for you if you are strong for yourself. If you can do it by yourself, then you don’t need me. So let go, let me be your strength.  Your yoke is easy and your burden is light. You desire me to lay my burdens at your feet…to lay my burdens at the cross. I had a vision the other day of me going to the cross, looking up at you, and laying my bags of burdens down before you. There were so many of them. You smiled at me and your eyes shone with joy, and I felt peace.  I walked away, but then I turned around and decided to go pick them back up. I decided that I wasn’t worthy of your forgiveness. I decided that what you did for me wasn’t enough to cover MY sin. You looked at me with pleading eyes, begging me to leave them at the foot of the cross so that you could take them from me. Saying…look at me Brenda. I am dying for those burdens. I am dying for your sins. I was brutally beaten and tortured and I am here because of you. Please, my daughter, I love you. Leave them for me. Leave them and I will trade them for a peace that surpasses all understanding and a joy that cannot be contained. You will never hunger or thirst with me.  But I wouldn’t let you. I didn’t fully trust you. I didn’t feel worthy. But the thing is, I am NOT worthy. But YOU have made me worthy. You have made me whole. You have made me victorious. Your mercies are never every morning.  When I picture leaving my bags at your feet and see your tears of joy falling down your face and landing on my hands and I put them down, it makes me want to release it all to you Jesus. Please keep this picture in the forefront of my mind. Let it to be so real and so tangible to me that this is literally what I need to do with my worries, fears, insecurities, doubts,  depression….Thank you for taking them from me. Thank you for allowing me to leave them at your feet. Thank you for dying that I may experience fullness of life and not have to carry these heavy , so heavy, burdens with me anymore. I release them to you and I thank you for taking them as if it is the first time I have laid them down.

“You, Lord, are forgiving and good, abounding in love to all who call to you.” - Psalm 86:5

2 Corinthians 12:7-10 Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. ⁸ Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. ⁹ But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. ¹⁰ That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Exodus 14:14 “The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.”

“For the battle is not yours, but the Lord.”

"God is my only circumstance.”

Isaiah 30:21 “Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it."

Psalm 46:10 "Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”